10 Minutes with Me: I stutter and I hate it

 

When I feel… how I feel…
Sometimes it’s hard to tell you so..
You may not be in the mood to learn
What you think you know
There are times when I find
You wanna keep yourself from me
When I don’t have the strength
I’m just a mirror of what I see

This is a new series, where I find a source of inspiration (whether it’s a song, art, book, image or video) and write a 10 minute post rambling about what ever is on my mind, uncensored. Enjoy.

This song (At Your Best- Frank Ocean StarRo Version) makes me think about communication.

I suck at communication and speaking in general.

  • I interrupt constantly (i’m trying to improve on it)
  • I slightly stutter and trip over my words most of the time
  • I have to think strenuously about a simple sentence to get a message across
  • I am not one to make the best come backs, in fact I make none
  • I can’t express what I want to say because I can’t find the right words
  • I’m horrible at past and present tense, I always get them mixed up
  • My voice bears a strong similarity to a whiny American accented teenager who takes everything for granted, not a professional mature young adult

It hurts, when I’m trying to retell a story or say something important and then I start to panic and fuck up what I want to say. I always hesitate for a second, then talk really fast hoping the message from my brain will exit from my mouth just as I imagined the message would be in my head- but then it just does not come out the way I want it to. I don’t quite remember but I think it started when I was in 2011, when I became more anti social and shy.

I don’t stutter when I sing (no I don’t sing formally or anything, just the normal singing quietly while studying thing) or talk to my family and myself. I don’t stutter on the phone and I can perfectly articulate how I feel via text or typing. I can communicate much better in these circumstances because I’m more comfortable and confident, I don’t hesitate before I talk and don’t feel that usual ‘hiccup’ I normally feel when I start to stutter at a word while talking to my friends.
I wish I didn’t have to talk, I could just write or type, but that comes at a terrible inconvenience. I get so upset at not articulating my words as eloquently as my class mates that I’ve just given up on asking most questions or talking about long stories on the second go, or cut a lot of information I would have liked to say because I know it’s too painful and humiliating to say what I want to say.
I seem like such a little bitch, but this does make me tear up a little because it’s just another one of the many faulty characteristics about me that exclude me from everyone else. I’m trying to work on it by reading out loud more in class and asking a few more questions, but I’m always dismayed when teachers misunderstand me or ignore what I have to say, as the effort I put in to open my mouth and talk as seamlessly as possible is wasted- so I don’t even bother talking again for clarification as I’m afraid I’ll fuck that up too.
Do you stutter? Are you needing improvements to better articulate your thoughts? Please let me know, we’re all family here :3
Love you.
xxx HML
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